Unwavering Trust

What a wonderful day to celebrate because I can officially call myself an RN! This past week I got news that I passed my licensure test and I couldn't be more humbled or grateful. It has been a crazy journey up until this point and extremely trying on both my heart and my walk. I want to start from the beginning because I guess that is where my journey began...

In early September I got news that I was hired in an amazing unit at Children's hospital of Alabama. Upon this news I immediately starting making plans.... plans that included living with my best friend and renting a brand new apartment in the heart of Homewood. Everything looked like it was working out perfect.... and all MY plans were coming to fruition. I would move into my apartment with my best friend on October 1st and start my amazing job on October 11. Life was perfect.

Well, all my plans came crashing down on September 22 when I got news that I had failed my nursing boards. How could this happen? How could our God abandon me at such a crucial time. My world and plans changed drastically in a matter of 24 hours and I was not happy about it. I had to cancel plans in Birmingham and contact Children's of Birmingham to let them know that I failed.... and I ultimately dissapointed them. This is when my whole walk with Jesus changed. 

This was my season of doubt.....

Through the ups and downs of this season of disappointment and failure I have been hit in the face with doubt. Leading to both feelings of abandonment and feelings of running away. Needless to say I was ready to abandon every ounce of my faith because I was not seeing his hand in this failure. I was done. In every aspect of the word. Multiple runs ended with feelings of anger and sadness that ran through my veins like water. Leaving me feeling desolate, saddened, and once again abandoned. It was through these valleys that my heart longed to give up. To turn in the towel and say adios to everything I once knew. This is when the Lord intervened....

I got a call from Children's a week after I failed my boards requesting I come in to talk about options. I was furious. Furious that the Lord would make me go through heartbreak again and furious that a long trip to Bham would end up with once again disappointment. New grads are only hired 3 times a year, so I knew that all they would tell me is "good luck next time, maybe we can hire you in february at the next new grad orientation." Sooo reluctantly I made the trip to Birmingham with resentment in my heart. I walked into the human resources office ashamed and once again heart broken. Upon walking into Teresa's office she broke down in tears. She explained how heart broken the whole unit was of my inability to pass and how saddened they were for me. She explained how much the Lord had put me on her heart and how she had to bring me in to talk. I was shocked. That is when I broke down. How could someone who barely knew me care? Answer: the Lord was at work.

The rest of the visit we discussed options regarding my employment. The unit was willing to jump through hoops so they could hire me as soon as I passed. I was shocked. They don't do this.... ever. The lord was once again at work. Teresa affirmed me in multiple areas regarding my heart for nursing and continued to compliment how precious my spirit was. 

The drive back to Huntsville was long.... for multiple reasons. I cried out to Jesus in thankfulness and astonishment. He was still there. He always was. 

He began a work in me that started the day this world was created. A work that was complicated but intricate and in every way purposeful. He was busy. Busy with my selfish, sinful self and refining me to perfection. That is, his image. Through the season of darkness was an appreciation for the light that never dims. Through this season the Lord has shaped and molded me into a different image than I have every known before. I was ready to abandon him but he wasn't letting go of me. He was clinging.... with every bit of his grip strength to hold onto my heart that so desperately desired rest. And he didn't stop. Each day was a new battle for both me and him.... and each day he won. He never let go. He never will. I am His!

In this season I have learned the depth of those sweet words. I am his. He has claimed me and therefore not death nor life can separate me from his love. Nothing can put a wrench between us. That bridge has been built to withstand even the biggest doubter... ME!

Before the beginning of the world he thought of me. He prepared for me. He loved me. So no matter what life holds, even if the answer is "no", he is still good! Praises 

So thats my story... of how a season of doubt turned into a season of thankfulness. But its not over... it will never be over. 

Over the past month of studying and killing time I have had multiple dates with my heavenly Father. Dates to talk about life and how it has changed and mostly to talk about what he has planned. He was diligent with me. Each day he spoke new truth into my life and each day I came out changed. 

One of my favorite things he spoke to me starting from the day I failed until now is to "be available!" What sweet words. I have wrestled with what this means in terms of my life and multiple things have come up. He wants me to be available for my family. Be available for young girls. Be available for friendships. Be available for Him to work. 

And trust me... he is at work!

Now I'm still not sure what the Lord is doing, but I do know that I am called to say "yes" in whatever aspect that looks like. These past months its been "yes" to studying, today its "yes" to taking a risk, and over the next couple months its "yes" to Kenya. 

My heart overflows with realization that the Lord is calling me back. He has been resilient over the past week to put this sweet country on my heart and mind. He has made me go back to the place where I fell in love with him. He was been working hard! 

In every way this doesn't make sense. I should be starting my career, making money, and moving out once and for all. But that is just it.... it doesn't make sense. 

Isaiah 55:8-10

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Thankfulness has been spilling out of my heart this past week. Mostly for a God who hasn't stopped pursuing His plan for my life. So today I am excited to finally announce I am going HOME.

I am going to Migori, Kenya for the month of January to work alongside the Coghlan family, and let me just tell you my heart is overflowing.  

So today I am asking for prayers. Prayers for the people of Migori, prayers for the Coghlan family, and prayers for my heart as I prepare for this amazing journey. 

Now I know what everyone is thinking, what are you going to do when you get back in the states?

Well the amazing organization of Children's hospital of Birmingham is hiring me starting in February. I am astonished. At the work the Lord is doing and the way he has prepared everything. A big thanks to the CVICU for being so supportive through this whole process and for showing me so much grace! I will be taking a position as a Night Shift nurse in the Cardiovascular ICU, and let me tell you I once again am thrilled!

Specific prayer request for the next couple weeks:
- figuring out flights both to and from Kenya (I will be traveling with two separate teams)
- Logistics and finances regarding the trip
- For flexibility both for myself and for Kenya Relief as they prepare for my arrival

                                                                                              In Christ, Hannah